“I am too fat, and ugly. And this is the only reason why I can’t find a boyfriend.”
“Look at my tummy rolls. Just look at them. How fat are they!”
“Maybe I just don’t deserve to be loved. I’m just not worthy of love, affection, and happiness.”
Have you had those feelings of unworthiness, where you just feel you’re somehow unlovable. Like you have some kind of disease, or there’s something wrong with you that being in a relationship just seems far out of reach, and being loved is like out of the realm of possibly for you.
We’ve all been there. Dating is never easy for gays. It might seem like you can’t meet the right guy or make the right connection. And maybe you keep coming up empty-handed, stymied in your efforts, no matter what you try. So you end up wondering “What’s the matter with me? Am I just unworthy of love?” I have seen scores of single gay men sabotage their efforts to find a partner, placing obstacles in their own path — without having the slightest idea as to what they are doing and why.
“I want to feel loved.”
We seek love, trying to feel loved and special and valuable… but we never really FEEL it. We drink and drug and sex, trying to dull the pain at the core of our bones that says "unworthy". It’s really sad that some guys go on Grindr looking for sex simply because they feel so unworthy of love that they want to use sex to get instant pleasure to feel better about themselves. Loving yourself might seem hard, because you cannot simply choose self-love. We cannot just jump to self-acceptance. No matter how much you try and change your mind or beliefs or attitudes, you will still have the backlog hidden in your attic, and that will sabotage your life no matter how blind you try to be to it.
“I’m gay, so it’s impossible to be loved.”
Yes, you’re gay, and it’s likely that you might grow up scathed by family, peers, and a society hostile to our attractions and behaviors. Some of us have been bullied as children; physically, verbally, and emotionally abused at tender ages by our peers and family members for being gay before we even recognized and understood our same-sex attractions. Sadly, these wounds are difficult to heal, and as a result, can leave gay men with the sense that we are thus unworthy of love, affection, and happiness.
“I’m too fat, too ugly, too short, too Asian.”
Most of the times your feeling of unworthiness stems from your insecurities. There really is something about yourself that you’re ashamed of. Maybe it’s your weight. Your Height. Maybe it’s being a Gaysian excluded from the white-painted gay community. But whatever it is that makes you insecure, remember how much love you’ve got inside of you. It doesn’t always come from an outside source. We can’t rely on external validation.
You might still be shaking your head, no way could you ever love yourself. You don’t like what you see, who you are, avoid a mirror at all costs. But whether or not you recognize it, you’ve got an inner-well of love, and that’s the kind of thing that never runs dry. Sometimes, it takes an entire lifetime of searching to realize we had what we needed all along. You are capable of quenching your own thirst.